On the need for better insults
In Verticals, we’ve all sat through the usual insults, especially when directed towards women – bitch, slut, whore… But it gets a bit much, listening to the same words being thrown about. It’s not clever, just coarse and abusive. There is a difference between an insult and abuse or bullying. Between equals, an insult is a verbal punch, in conversational form. It can be used between friends (men, I’m looking at you) and to convey scorn towards rivals. When directed towards people with less or no power, punching down, it becomes abuse or bullying. Use of abusive language or bullying is a common feature of the villain in Vertical dramas. These are insults at their lowest, intended to humiliate, demean and reduce the status of others.
Swearing and coarse language can be useful. There are times when swearing is absolutely the correct course of action. The emotional and physical release people feel when swearing is called lalochezia. In this case, swearing acts as a pressure valve for stress, frustration and pain. Swearing can increase your pain tolerance and act as a natural form of analgesia, as anyone who has cursed after stubbing their toe an attest. There are published studies on the analgesic effects of swearing, for example Swearing as a Response to Pain: Assessing Hypoalgesic Effects of Novel “Swear” Words (Stevens and Robertson, 2020). To quote from the article’s abstract, “For conventional swearing (“fuck”), confirmatory analyses found a 32% increase in pain threshold and a 33% increase in pain tolerance…“.
So, swearing and coarse language have their place. However, it wasn’t coarse language that won One Liner of the Year at the 2024 Vertical Drama Love Fan Awards. It was the restrained and superbly delivered “Listen to me, you bumbling idiot.” from Uncle Henry (Eric Taylor Guilmette in You Belong with Me on ReelShort). The win for this line, voted for by fans, tells us that audiences want more than a swearing or abusive language in their insults.
I was a bit disappointed that One Liner of the Year wasn’t a category for the 2025 Fan Awards, as I was ready to nominate this gem from Adam Chisnall from Money, Robots, and a Happy 4th of July (ReelShort): “You put the dick in Dickson!” I didn’t even watch the Vertical, I saw it in a short on Instagram, but it stuck with me. It was short, direct, witty, and delivered beautifully. As it turns out, a great insult needs exactly those elements: cleverness, brevity, accuracy, and delivery.
Cleverness is about the choice of words, the unexpected comparisons, the imagery. “Bumbling idiot” conveys a very particular image to the listener. “Dick in Dickson” gives you a play on words – a pejorative for a rude, abrasive, inconsiderate, or contemptible person and slang for male genitalia, as well as a referring to the character’s surname. A clever insult is memorable and repeatable, something to be admired. Theodore Roosevelt described President McKinley as having “no more backbone than a chocolate éclair”, and President Harrison as having “a handshake like a wilted petunia.”. Paul Keating, former Prime Minister of Australia, described debating John Hewson, as “like being flogged by a warm lettuce.” Vivid, memorable, clever.
Good insults have brevity. Get to the point, quickly. Long-winded rants loose the listener. A short, sharp insult that conveys scorn and derision is much more effective than a tantrum. A short, sharp comment can be devasting. One of my favourites is “Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed.” (The Brain, Animaniacs).
The insult should be accurate to the person it is directed towards. A lot of the language thrown, especially at women, in verticals is inaccurate. Characters are described as sluts and whores, but are also described as virgins. It’s abusive language rather than a good insult. It also does not consider the audience, the majority of whom are women. Disdain can be conveyed cleverly, without descending into abuse. Consider the brilliant line form the movie High Society “By the way, there’s a name for you ladies, but it isn’t used in high society…outside of a kennel.” It would be wonderful to see female characters and villains getting better lines. For inspiration, look to the words of Dorothy Parker ("That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."), Nancy Astor (“I married beneath me. All women do.”) and Mae West (“Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to try the one I haven't tried before”).
Delivery is all about the actor and the set up. When Uncle Henry delivered the “bumbling idiot” line, he was not yelling or posturing. He was calm, restrained, angry, and up close. His voice was quiet but carried the weight of his anger. When AC delivered the “dick in Dickson” line, he was angry, but he also drew himself up physically, positively vibrated with feeling, and used a clear, controlled voice. The tone of voice and body language carry the insult as much as the choice of words.
Coarse or abusive language isn’t always necessary. You can call someone stupid without calling them stupid. Consider these lines:
“To call you stupid is an insult to stupidi people.” A Fish Called Wanda.
“You are mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.” Time Bandits.
“She’s got enough brains for two, which is the exact amount quantity the girl who marries you will need.” P G Wodehouse, The Adventures of Sally.
“If your brains were dynamite there wouldn’t be enough to blow you hat off.” Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake.
“I wish you were as smart as a tree stump, Pinky.” Pinky and the Brain.
Sometimes the insult is in the retort, the response to something someone has said. We admire the quick, clever reply, and often wish we could think up a response like that.
“Hmm, let me think.” “Don’t hurt yourself, Pinky.” Pinky and the Brain.
“Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot.” “That’s all you’ve got, lady. Two wrong feet in fucking ugly shoes.” Erin Brokovich.
“You despise me, don’t you?” “Well, if I gave you any thought, I would.” Casablanca.
Given the number of times someone in a Vertical says “Do you know who I am?” there is ample opportunity for the reply to be clever and pithy. There is always the classic response ”Why, did you forget?”
Let’s bring in some new words. There are so many good words that need a comeback: insipid, twee, fatuous, sanctimonious, vacuous, unctuous, craven, obstreperous, pusillanimous, obtuse
To describe women: Floozy, harlot, hussy, tart, tramp, hellion, shrew, termagant
To describe stupidity: Gormless, ninnyhammer, numpty, wazzock, ignoramus, pillock,. For something a bit more creative and descriptive, try oxygen thief, ignorant potato, toxic waste dump, champion of poor choices, butt trumpet
A very English insult is to say “You absolute…” and follow it up with any noun you like. It is delivered with a calm, exasperated tone of voice. You absolute plonker. You absolute donkey. You absolute donut. For added impact, you can say “You absolute fucking…” before your noun of choice. You absolute fucking muppet. You absolute fucking cretin. It works 100% of the time.
After a bit of research, here’s some key steps in creating a good insult.
Consider the goal of the insult. Is it making the target look bad, or feel bad? Is it to convey scorn, frustration, disdain or disrespect?
Consider the audience. Could the insult backfire and turn their empathy?
Consider using an apt comparison.
Don’t be a heel. Punch up, not down.
Have empathy – not for the target, but for others who might be listening. Don’t be homophobic, transphobic, ableist, etc.
Avoid anger and abuse - get creative and be clever.
And if anyone ever says that insults are a sign of low intelligence, just remind them that Shakespeare was a master of the insult:
“I desire that we be better strangers” As You Like It.
“I am sick when I do look at thee.” A Midsummer Night’s Dream
“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” Timon of Athens.
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.” Coriolanus
“Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.” Richard III
And, that he invented the “your mother” joke “Villain, I have done thy mother.” Titus Andronicus.
By Jen Champness.
When Jen isn’t teaching high school, running her family, or coaching little kids football, she enjoys reading romances and watching Verticals. She also has a lot of thoughts…
Writer - Jen Champness
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